to another at a singles bar: "I'm not as optimistic about relationships
as I used to be.
These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?"
Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs
The average man is proof enough
that women can take a joke.
|A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.|
|A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.|
|A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"|
|A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."|
|Doughter to her mother: "What's an orgasm Mom? I don't know...ask your father. "||Question: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light
Answer: That's not funny.
|Mother to her doughter: " If you catch a man...throw him back. "|
|Doctor to the young pregnant woman: "Did you and your husband plan
"No" she replied "we just talked about it."
There was a pause before doctor said, "That must have been some conversation."
|A mother need only step into the shower to be instantly reassured she is indispensable to every member of her family.||Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew
gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
|A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
|Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
|Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you
love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.
|Q: Do you know why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.
|A young woman was expecting twins. Her sister Joan arranged a baby
pool with all family members. She asked each of family members to guess
the date of arrival, weight and sex of the babies. When Joan came around
her pregnant sister, she asked, "Joan, do I get to guess, too?"
"No" she answered
"You have inside information!"
|The wedding was over, and the reception was in full swing. Dave an
usher, was having a great time with other members of the wedding party.
His wife, Betty was not.
"Don't be to mad at Dave," a friend told her. "He did a terrific job. I'd be glad to have him usher at my wedding."
"Yeah," Betty replied, "I wish he had been an usher at mine."
| Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral,
woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card.
"Message?" she sputtered. "Well, I guess, 'You will be missed."'
Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words:
"I guess you will be missed."
|Several women were discussing what they should have for dinner. "If you're watching your weight," came one suggestion, "those diet frozen dinners are good." The man then added: "But get two. They're small."||A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage
son arrived home looking for a snack. She ofered a kiwifruit and tried
to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than
an orange," she remarked.
"And more hair than Dad," added their son.
"Does it say dryer repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said.
A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.
"Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked.
"No," she said again.
A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix it?"
"Do I look like... an oven repair man?"
"No," she replied.
A couple of days later he went on a business trip. When he came back he said to his wife, "Hey honey.
I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?"
Well," she said, "our neighbour down the street came over and he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake."
"What kind of cake did you make him?"
She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?"
|1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.|
|2. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.|
|3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.|
|4. This diamond is way too big.|
|5. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.|
|6. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.|
|7. Does this make my butt look too small?|
|8. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.|
|9. Hey, get a whiff of that one.|
|10. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.|
|Shortly after the birth of their second child, her
husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than
two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress
accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the
last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had
learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It
makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your
Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!"
|Lady was cooking bacon in her kitchen as Jim, a housepainter,
worked nearby. After laying the crispy slices on a paper towel, she poured
the hot grease into a jar she keep specifically for that reason, it's a
habit she picked up from her mother.
Than she noticed that the non-stick surface of the frying pan had come unstuck in places. She checked the bacon, and there seemed to be some pieces stuck to them. Rather than take any chances, she threw the bacon and the frying pan away. Jim, pausing in his work, remarked, "At my house, we keep the bacon and the pan, and throw the grease out."
|Yound woman called her friend who lives in a college
residence building. She asked the lady who answered if she could speak
to Karin. "You do know this is a pay phone?" she asked. "Yes," young woman
said. She's in Room 641."
The lady told her to hold on.
Ten long minutes later, she finally picked up the receiver and said: "I can't seem to find her room. Mayby you should call admitting. I'm only a patient here.
Young woman had dialed a hospital.
|A nurse had to take a patient back to her room
after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and
was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted
with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?"
The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey."
One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she healthwise?"
|Q: Why is a modem better than a woman?
A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.
|After reading an article in the evening paper about
women living longer than men, an old man commented, "I wonder why men go
first?" His wife had an explanation:
"Someone has to stay behind to pick up the clothes!"
|A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was
mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important
as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was
Another replied: "Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"
|"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left
me a fortune?" the newly married man asked his wife.
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune."
|A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working
in her husband's trucking-line office. She answered a phone call from a
trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation,
he said he could hardly wait to meet her.
"I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes," he said.
"No," young woman replied, "I'm tall, brunette and
have brown eyes."
"Close enough!" said the trucker.
|Young woman sat down in small restaurant, a waitress
came over to take her order.
"I'll have a hamburger please."
"Burger!" she yelled over her shoulder. Then woman added. "Make that well done."
Waitres turned away again.
"Torture it!" she yelled.
|Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month,"||At a family gathering, husband began teasing his
wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband,
"when I get my way, that's a compromise."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask.
She replied, "That's a miracle!"
by Sue Patton Thoele, Catherine Rose Crowther (Illustrator)
by Claudia Shear
by Lysbeth Guillorn (Editor)
by Patti Putnicki, Joe Azar (Illustrator)
by Susan Edwards