In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
|A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What
do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?" lawyer asked.
"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go," minister
|What is the difference between George Washington,
Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Do you know why Monica Lewinsky could never be a doctor? ... She sucked as an intern!
|One day, a Mr. President was looking for a call girl.
He found three such ladies in a local lounge
- - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President ... How
much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question.
The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes...... get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
|A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily
meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their
face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Mr. President isn't
in the room. "What's the matter" he asked.
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news."
"What's the bad news?" "India has detonated
some atomic weapons at their underground test site, Pakistan has done the same at their proving area, and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" "Well, Mr. President just got hold of some Viagra!!"
What do Monica Lewinsky and A Soda machine have in Common?
...........................They both have a slot that says "Insert Bill Here"
Father: Sure son, what's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example, I am the wage earner, so let's call me the
management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll cal her
government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll
call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future.
Do you understand?
Son: I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went
to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled
his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound
asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the
Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs
There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon..................
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
|A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."
"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
|Mr. President and his wife were sleeping one night
at the White House. First Lady wakes up and starts shaking her husband
to wake him up. "Darling, darling wake up." He stays sleeping. She continues,
"Darling, darling wake up." He finally wakes up
and says, "What do you want?" She responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." To which he says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." She says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
|The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together
about what a male sexual organ is called in their native languages.
In England people call it a gentleman because it stands up when women
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God which ran as follows:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Ottawa. As usual they deducted $95.00.
Don't steal - the government hates competition...
|All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over
nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when
cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.
If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few
cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.
Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."
by Robert J. Dole (Editor), Bob Dole
by Glenn Eichler
by George Fisher, Ernest Dumas (Designer)
by Gerald Gardner
by Bill Maher