A defence lawyer questioning a witness in a drunk-driving case asked,
|A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender
tells him he owes $15.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the man.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The bartender replies "Okay then, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when , suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my my change, and I'll be on my way."
|A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had
been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start,
the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
|A man came into a bar and ordered three shots of
whisky, which he quikly drank one after another. When he finished the last
one, he ordered three more. The bartender said, "You know, that isn't
good for you."
"I know," the man replied, "Particularly with what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender asked.
|A man sitting in the bar found that the front of
his trousers was all wet.
Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
"Nope," came the reply.
Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
The man also replied, "Nope."
"Then it must be an inside job," he murmured.
|"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."
the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" harrumphed the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar & she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."
|Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few
quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
|A modest man was in the hospital for a series of
test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon
making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the
hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"
And the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
|A fellow decides to take off early from work and
go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he
takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the
stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't
have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his
back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks
terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes
later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out
in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances,
and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear
was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some
good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
by Richard Smith, Debra Solomon (Illustrator)
by P. J. O'Rourke, Alan Rose (Photographer)
by Roger L. Welsch, Jim Harrison
by Stephen McCauley, Jane Rosenman (Editor)
by Ralph, Reggie, Thomas W. Cathcart, Daniel W. Klein, Daniel M. Klein