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| Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an ice pack on her chest to keep the milk fresh? | A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. | Blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?" |
| A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" | A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?" "No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?" | What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to
twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was... |
| Blonde is like a ... hairdryer!
Turn her on and she starts to blow. |
Blonde is like ...vacuum cleaner! Turn her on and she starts to suck. | Blonde is like ...light switch!
Even a six year old can turn her on. |
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There were three people stranded on an island, a
brunette,
a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. "I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. |
| Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted! |
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. |
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| Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. |
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change |
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| Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen. |
Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out. |
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| Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone. |
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them. |
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| Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met. |
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone. |
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| Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience! |
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence. |
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| Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. |
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper. |
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| Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant. |
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles. |
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| Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. |
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through. |
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| Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop. |
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers. |
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| Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the
morning? A: Walks home. |
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in front of the mirror?
A: Introduces them self. |
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| Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized. |
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door. |
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| Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, Guys!" |
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn. |
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| Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country. |
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!" |
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| Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer. |
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused. |
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| Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" |
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747. |
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| Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? |
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring. |
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| Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side. |
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is. |
|
| Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde
are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. |
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde
are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. |
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| Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. |
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. |
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| Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?" |
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. |
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| Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. |
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". |
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| Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. |
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. |
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| Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up. |
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read. |
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| Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. |
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A:10 One to mix the dough and 9 to peel the smarties. |
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| Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow. |
Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex! |
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| Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." |
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. |
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| Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff. |
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it. |
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| Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!" |
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. |
|
| Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" |
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men! |
|
| Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader. |
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head. |
|
| Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! |
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager. |
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| Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. |
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them. |
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| Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. |
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. |
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| Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag. |
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. |
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| Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter." |
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ. |
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| Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No". |
Q : What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning
A: A visitor. |
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| Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. |
Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. |
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by Blanche Knott, Blanche Knotts
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by Julius Alvin
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by Jim Becker, Andrew Mayer, Barrie Maguire, Andy Mayer (Contributor)
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by Julie Tilsner
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by Jean Echenoz, Mark Pollizzotti (Translator), Mark Polizzotti (Translator)
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