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| I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't
know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio
and I say, "I think I might have written that."
Comedian Steven Wright |
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"A recent study shows that 75 % of the body's heat escapes through the head," comments comedian Jerry Seinfeld. "I guess that means you could ski naked if you had a good hat." |
| He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now." (Comedian Steven Wright) | Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. Said comedy writer Paul Ryan: "The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M." | I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk
through into another dimension.
(Comedian Steven Wright) |
| " The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity," says
comedian Tommy Smothers.
" Once you learn how to fake that, there's nothing you can't do. |
I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently,"
said comedian Corbett Monica.
" A sales man came out and said: 'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' Later I learned he was talking about the payments." |
"My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate," says comedian Judy Tenuta. "I said, 'Just wait."' |
| "My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going
to move to New York,"
- said comedian Steven Wright. |
"Wayne Gretzky is the first person on a can of Campbell's Soup," says Jay Leno. "That makes sense, to put a hockey player on a can of soup. It's probably the only thing you can eat without teeth." | "I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing," - said comedian Steven Wright |
| "I went to the ballet the other night for the first time and saw the women dancing on their tiptoes," says comedian Greg Ray. "Why don't they just get taller girls?" | "I have a friend who became a billionaire by inventing Cliffs Notes," says comic Steven Wright. "When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, 'Well, to make a long story short...' " | "I'm addicted to placebos," a comedian confesses. "I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference," says Jay Leno. |
| "I think it's wrong," says comedian Steven Wright, that only one company makes the game Monopoly." | "According to a recent study," reports Jay Leno, "ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived on their favourite show, some Trekkies display withdrawal symptoms similat to those of drug addicts. Of course the real difference is that drug adicts aren't nearly as annoying." | Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked
her,"Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two
different colored socks. "I said,"Yes, but to me they're the same because
I go by thickness."Then she asked,
"How do you feel?" and I said,"Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."(Steven Wright) |
| "Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time' " - says comedian Steven Wright | "A computer-industry representatives have agreed that 'family control' technology on the Internet already exists," says Craig Kilborn. "It's just that kids won't explain it to their parents." | "When people ask me if I have any spare change," says comedian Nick Arnette, "I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet." |
| "In life, it's not who you know that's important," notes Joey Adams, "it's how your wife found out." | "Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture," says comedian Steven Wright. | "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid," says comedy writer Gene Perret. "A girl would spin the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." |
| "You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time," says comedian Steven Wright. | Comedian George Charlin on the phrase "undisputed heavyweight champion": If it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? | "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before," says comedian
Steven Wright. |
| "On Cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather," says
comedian Dan Spencer. "We had something like that where I grew up.
We called it a window." |
"If we are a country committed to free speech," asks comedian Steven Wright, "then why do we have phone bills?" | "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction," says comedian Steven Wright. |
| "Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time," says comedian Steven Wright. | "I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school," says comic Wendy Leibman. "I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then." | "I sold my house this week," reports comedian Garry Shandling. "I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell." |
| "Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City," says comedian David Latterman. "One is, 'Hey, taxi!' Two is, 'What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?' And three is, 'Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.' " | "I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish," says comedian Steven Wright. "I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish." | "When I eas a baby, I kept a diary," says comedian Steven Wright. "Recently
I was rereading it. It said: 'Day One: Still tired from the move. Day Two:
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.'
"And I remember turning from one year old to two. I was really upset because I figured in one year my age doubled. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm seven I'll be 64." |
| "All of the people in my building are insane," says comedian Steven
Wright. "The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.' " |
"Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule," reports Jay Leno. "They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first." | "Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic," says comedian Steven Wright."I mimic my shadow." |
| "Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress
my mom. I brought her to Las Wegas for dinner at Ceasar's Palace. Among
other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $ 45."
"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked . "I know how much you like lobster." She loked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head. "How do they know they're really twins?" ( Comedian Jay Leno) |
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space," says comedian Steven Wright. "On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.' " | "You can't have everything," says comedian Steven Wright. "Where would you put it?" |
| "I got an answering machine for my phone," says comedian Steven Wright. "Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep." | "A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love," says comedian Ronnie Shakes. "Just ask yourself one Question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?" | "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my
humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny,"
says comedian Steven Wright |
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by Michael Cader
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by Gloria Goodman, Bill Adler
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Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs |
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by Bill Cosby
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by Jay Leno (Designer), Joseph Del Valle (Photographer), Jack Davis (Illustrator)
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by Jerry Seinfeld
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by David Letterman, Steve O'Donnell, Jon Beckerman, Rob Burnett
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