When I eas a baby, I kept a diary," says comedian Steven Wright. "Recently I was rereading it. It said: 'Day One: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.' "And I remember turning from one year old to two. I was really upset because I figured in one year my age doubled. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm seven I'll be 64."
Time spend laughing is time spent with the gods. ( Japanese proverb )
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." 
                 Comedian Steven Wright
"A recent study shows that 75 %  of the body's heat escapes through the head," comments comedian Jerry Seinfeld. "I guess that means you could ski naked if you had a good hat." 

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He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not right now." (Comedian Steven Wright) Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. Said comedy writer Paul Ryan: "The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M."  I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. 
(Comedian Steven Wright)
" The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity," says comedian Tommy Smothers. 
" Once you learn how to fake that, there's nothing you can't do. 
I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently," said comedian Corbett Monica. 
" A sales man came out and said: 'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' 
Later I learned he was talking about the payments." 
"My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate," says comedian Judy Tenuta. "I said, 'Just wait."' 
"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going to move to New York," 
- said comedian Steven Wright.
"Wayne Gretzky is the first person on a can of Campbell's Soup," says Jay Leno. "That makes sense, to put a hockey player on a can of soup. It's probably the only thing you can eat without teeth." "I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...  It wasn't doing what I was doing," - said comedian Steven Wright
"I went to the ballet the other night for the first time and saw the women dancing on their tiptoes," says comedian Greg Ray. "Why don't they just get taller girls?" "I have a friend who became a billionaire by inventing Cliffs Notes," says comic Steven Wright. "When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, 'Well, to make a long story short...' " "I'm addicted to placebos," a comedian confesses. "I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference," says Jay Leno.
"I think it's wrong," says comedian Steven Wright, that only one company makes the game Monopoly." "According to a recent study," reports Jay Leno, "ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived on their favourite show, some Trekkies display withdrawal symptoms similat to those of drug addicts. Of course  the real difference is that drug adicts aren't nearly as annoying." Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her,"Do you live around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks. "I said,"Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."Then she asked, 
"How do you feel?" and I said,"Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the 
last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."(Steven Wright)
"Then she said, 'How do you feel?'  And I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time' " - says comedian Steven Wright  "A computer-industry representatives have agreed that 'family control' technology on the Internet already exists," says Craig Kilborn. "It's just that kids won't explain it to their parents." "When people ask me if I have any spare change," says comedian Nick Arnette, "I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet."
"In life, it's not who you know that's important," notes Joey Adams, "it's how your wife found out." "Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture," says comedian Steven Wright. "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid," says comedy writer Gene Perret. "A girl would spin the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...  And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time," says comedian Steven Wright. Comedian George Charlin on the phrase "undisputed heavyweight champion": If it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've forgotten this before," says comedian 
Steven Wright.
"On Cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather," says comedian Dan Spencer. "We had something like that where I grew up. 
We called it a window."
"If we are a country committed to free speech," asks comedian Steven Wright, "then why do we have phone bills?" "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction," says comedian Steven Wright. 
"Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.  Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time," says comedian Steven Wright. "I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school," says comic Wendy Leibman. "I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then." "I sold my house this week," reports comedian Garry Shandling. "I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell."
"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City," says comedian David Latterman. "One is, 'Hey, taxi!' Two is, 'What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?' And three is, 'Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.' " "I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish," says comedian Steven Wright. "I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."  "When I eas a baby, I kept a diary," says comedian Steven Wright. "Recently I was rereading it. It said: 'Day One: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.' 
"And I remember turning from one year old to two. I was really upset because I figured in one year my age doubled. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm seven I'll be 64."
"All of the people in my building are insane," says comedian Steven Wright. "The guy above me designs 
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...  With a pricing gun...  She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.' " 
"Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule," reports Jay Leno. "They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first." "Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic," says comedian Steven Wright."I mimic my shadow." 
"Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress my mom. I brought her to Las Wegas for dinner at Ceasar's Palace. Among other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $ 45." 
"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked . "I know how much you like lobster." She loked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head. "How do they know they're really twins?" ( Comedian Jay Leno)
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space," says comedian Steven Wright. "On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.' "  "You can't have everything," says comedian Steven Wright. "Where would you put it?"
"I got an answering machine for my phone," says comedian Steven Wright. "Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages before the beep." "A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love," says comedian Ronnie Shakes. "Just ask yourself one Question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"  "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny," 
says comedian Steven Wright

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That's Funny : A Compendium of over 1,000 Great Jokes from Today's Hottest Comedians
by Michael Cader 
Click here to find out more A compendium of thousands of jokes from today's brightest comedians and comics, from Tim Allen, Brett Butler, and Jeff Foxworthy to Roseanne, Paul Reiser, and Steve Martin. 

The Life and Humor and Rosie O'Donnell : A Biography
by Gloria Goodman, Bill Adler 
Click here to find out more The Life And Humor Of Rosie O'Donnell explores how and why she's changed the face of daytime TV with her unique brand of kinder, gentler entertainment. Instead of confrontation and sensationalism, she offers guest-friendly, audience- pleasing appeal. Instead of snide comedy, she shares her own enthusiasms with immensely warm and engaging humor. From singing TV theme songs to celebrating her devotion to Tom Cruise to devising a clever revenge against Scope mouthwash (who named her one of America's least kissable people), she's a delightfully different kind of star, one whose irresistible love of show business shines through every day and lights up countless lives. 


Create your own Custom CD from  more than 175,000 songs

Kids Say the Darndest Things
by Bill Cosby 
Click here to find out more Hilarious! 
This is a great look at some of the kids that Bill Cosby has come in contact with on his tv show. It is an excellent way to while away a few hours! 

Headlines IV : The Next Generation : More Out-Of-This-World Headlines from the Bestselling Series
by Jay Leno (Designer), Joseph Del Valle (Photographer), Jack Davis (Illustrator) 
Click here to find out more Jay Leno is back with his fourth compilation of actual newspaper headlines that are too ridiculous to be believed. Leno adds his razor-sharp wit to these already absurd headlines, just as he does on the "headlines" segment on The Tonight Show. Photos and cartoons. Author signings. 

by Jerry Seinfeld
Click here to find out more Jerry Seinfeld whose distinct observations about life have become the essence of the top-rated and critically acclaimed Seinfeld television series, brings to his book the hilarious perspectives and classical material that have become a Thursday night viewing ritual for millions of Americans. Captured on book page are everything from Jerry's view on topics ranging from Raisinettes to relationships, from childhood to cop shows, from parents to power suits. 

David Letterman's New Book of Top Ten Lists and Wedding Dress Patterns for the Husky Bride
by David Letterman, Steve O'Donnell, Jon Beckerman, Rob Burnett 
Click here to find out more Once again, David Letterman's "Top Ten Lists" from his nightly talk show, The Late Night Show with David Letterman, have been collected in a new  laugh-out-loud volume. Last year's hilarious volume spent weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. 



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