|"Did you hear about Tommy trying to drown himself
in the water hazard on the sixth hole?" a weekend golfer asked his partner.
"No kidding!" said the other. "What happened?"
"Nothing really. He couldn't keep his head down either."
|An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English
man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in
a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't
wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
After a short pause ...
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
|An avid golfer playing with his best friend sliced
his drive into an adjacent pasture. When he surveyed his lie, he noted
a large barn between his ball and the green.
"You know, if we open the front and back doors, I can hit the ball through the barn and onto the green," the golfer said.
While his buddy ridiculed the attempt, the golfer struck the ball with all his might. It hit the barn and ricocheted, hitting his friend and killing him.
Two weeks later the golfer, playing with another friend, found himself
with the same lie on the same hole. His friend suggested they open the
barn doors and that he attempt to hit the ball through the barn to the
|A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with
waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
|Greg took up golf. One day when he was playing
even worse than usual, he decided to explain his predicament to his teenage
caddie: "I took up golf to practise self-control."
The youngster rolled his eyes and replied, "If that's the case, you should have gone in for caddying."
|Did you hear about the politically correct country
They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps. Instead, they're "stroke challenged."
|SHE: "How'd your doctor's appointment go?"
HE: "Well, there's good news and bad news. My blood pressure's toohigh, and I'm overweight. But, at the doctor's suggestion, I'm going to take up golf!"
SHE: "And the good news?"
|As two golfers approached the first hole, a pack of dogs began to
run and play in the fairway.
The first man teed up, yelled "28!" and hit his shot straight down the middle. The dogs scattered before the ball landed.
"Twenty-eight?" his partner said.
"Why did you yell that?"
"It's 'Fore!' in dog years," the first golfer replied.
I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from My Golf-Playing Cats : Tom the Dancing
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Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs
by Bob L. Garrison
by Leslie Nielsen, Neilsen Boswell, Henry Beard (Contributor)
by Jim Becker, Andy Mayer, Rick Wolff, Barrie Maguire (Illustrator)
Golf Handbook : All I Ever Knew I Forgot by the Third Fairway