Humor about men - Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.

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ABOUT MEN

Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
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Three best friends are talking about problems at work.

The first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

The second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

The third friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!"
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Three things in men life are hard to do: climb a foward - leaning fence, kiss a backward-leaning woman, and say something clever when accepting a trophy.

He Says-She Says.

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

Two men are playing golf when a funeral-procession passes on the street next to the green. One of the men takes of his hat and holds it to his heart. When the procession has passed the other one says: 'That was a nice gesture of you'. 'Well', the first says, after twenty years of marriage that's the least I could do for her'.		A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in." The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "In?"

What's the difference between men and pigs?... Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.		What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain? ...A widower.

Three friends Bob, Jim, Sam and his wife, were involved in a tragic car accident in which all of them died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said: "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Bob and said, "You, Bob, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at Jim and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."		Two friends were walking their dogs in the park when one suggested stopping at a bar for a drink. "But we can't go in there," said the second guy. "They won't let us bring our dogs in." "Don't worry about it," replied the first guy. "Just follow my lead." And into the bar he walked with his Doberman. "Hey," the bartender yelled. "you can't bring that dog in here!" "But I'm blind," said the first guy. "This is my Seeing Eye dog." Satisfied, the bartender seated him, and just then the other guy came in with his little Pekingese in tow. Again the bartender announced that dogs weren't allowed. "But I'm blind," said the second man. "This is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender took a long look at the dog. "That Pekingese is your Seeing Eye dog?" he asked incredulously. "What?" said the second man. "They gave me a Pekingese?"

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".		After 20 years two college rivals bumped into each other. "Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?'' asked the first. "Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and now I run marathons." "That's great!" replied the other man. "And," the first man continued, "do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student? Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit." "That's great!" came the reply. "Oh, and how about you." the first man inquired. "Have you changed at all?" "Yes, I have," said the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be, and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less'? Well, now I just say, 'That's great !'"

THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY

1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

2. Honey, do you need any help?

3. While I'm up, can I get you a drink?

4. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.

6. Who cares about Monday Night Football, let's watch Opera.

7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

9. Her legs are just too long.

10. I think he is one cool guy.

FINALLY! A NIGHT OUT Jim has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in country as far from humanity as possible.
Jim sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded local man standing there.
" I'm... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to
come."
"Great," says Jim, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As local man is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave local man stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too."
Damn, Jim thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again local man turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Jim, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
The local man stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Executive overheard talking to a friend: " My wife tells me I don't display enough passion.

Imagine! I have a good mind to send her a memo!"

Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs

A man drives into a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two
penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver what he's up to with the two
penguins on his back seat. The driver had asked himself that same question but he wouldn't know
what to do. Clerk: "You should take them to the zoo". The man thinks this is a good idea and
drives away.
The next day he arrives at that same gas station. Clerk: "I thought you would take them to the
zoo!". Driver: "Yes, we had a swell day yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the beach".

Two crazy men wanting to pull down mangoes. They started to throw stones at the mangoes but it was impossible to hit one.

One crazy man told the other "How will we know if the mangoes we are trying to knock down are ripe and juicy?"

The other one said: " why you don't go up the tree and see if the mangoes are ripe and juicy in that way we will know if we are just wasting time throwing and throwing stones at those mangoes.

The man came down and said "Yes, the mangoes are ripe and juicy that means that we could continue throwing mangoes until we hit them down..

What Men Don't Want Women to Know : The Secrets, the Lies, the Unspoken Truth
by Smith, Doe, Smith

"If a man is given the opportunity to engage in sexual relations with an attractive female, with no fear of getting caught and little risk of transmitted diseases, he will do so. Always. Without fail. There are no exceptions."
An unvarnished, no-holds-barred look into the mind of the male animal--his sexual fantasies, the secrets he keeps and the lies he tells when it comes to sex and fidelity, and what he will and won't do for love.

Men and Other Reptiles

For every woman who's had a too-close encounter with a member of the Testosterone Tribe, here is a witty and wicked collection of the best quips, quotes, curses, and jokes about men ever to grace the lips of the female of the species. Hilarious proof that if we can't live without them, we can at least get a laught out of living with them.

Deadlier Than the Male : Dangerously Witty Quotations by Women About Men
by Michelle Lovric (Compiler)

Filled with acidly witty comments on everything from men's bodies to their role in society, Deadlier Than the Male firmly puts to rest any notion that women are the gentle sex. This is a delicious and decorative new look at the battle of the sexes--from the winner's point of view.

The J-Factor Male Jerk Counter : The New Rating System That Tells You Just How Big a Jerk Your Man Really Is!
by Sherri Foxman

With this simple-to-use rating method, a woman can determine exactly how much of a jerk her man
really is. By counting Jerk Units--points assigned to more than 500 undesirable behaviors -- she can
instantly see if her man exceeds the recommended daily allowance of Jerk Units, and take appropriate action.

I Love Him, but
by Merry Bloch Jones (Editor)

Three women got to talking about their husbands' annoying little traits or habits or quirks or whatever it was that drove them crazy. Realizing there must be lots of women in similiar straits, Jones undertook a survey, and this book is the result. A perfect gift, this book contains hundreds of funny, surprising, candid snapshots and quotes concerning men.

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