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"God, why did you make women so beautiful?", God replies: "so that you would find them attractive". Then the man asks: "God, but why did you
God replies: "So that they would find you attractive!" |
Married life is full of excitement and frustration: -In the FIRST year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. -In the SECOND year, the women speaks and the man listens. -In the THIRD year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen. |
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Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. |
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Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said, " My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen." "Oh, no," the manager quickly replied. "The bathtub falls through the living room." |
The first one says, "My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!" The second one says, "My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!" The third woman sighs, "My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here." |
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"Does it say dryer repairman anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said. A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous. "Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?" he asked. "No," she said again. A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix it?" "Do I look like... an oven repair man?" "No," she replied. A couple of days later he went on a business trip. When he came back he said to his wife, "Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did it cost?" Well," she said, "our neighbour down the street came over and he agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake." "What kind of cake did you make him?" She looked at him smugly and said: "Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?" |
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. The young man is very ecstatic. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the young man patiently. He tells him everything there is to know about sex and condoms. At the register, the pharmacist asks him how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 5-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The young man insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy. That night, the he shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!" She takes him inside to the dinner table where her parents are seated. The young man quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. Time passes, and MORE time. Finally the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a PHARMACIST!" |
| When a newly married man looks happy,
we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. |
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish... |
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As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said: "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Bob and said, "You, Bob, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at Jim and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board." |
One day at the fire house he's thinking about the "bell system." The way the bell system at the firehouse works, when bell one rings, they all run out to the trucks. On bell two, they gear up. On bell three they jump on the trucks and head to the fire. The fireman goes home and tells his wife: "Honey, I know what we can do to spruce up our sex life!" "What?" "Use the bell system like at the firehouse, but a little different. When I call 'bell one', you run into the bedroom. When I call 'bell two', you take your clothes off, and when I call 'bell three', hop on the bed and we'll do it." The next evening he comes home hollering, "Bell one!" and she runs into the bedroom. He hollers, "Bell two!" and she takes her clothes off. He yells, "Bell three!" and she hops on the bed and he hops on her. While they're mingling, she yells, "Bell four! Bell four!"
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| FIRST marriage
is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
SECOND marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. |
Do not marry a person that you know you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. |
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At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife. "What is this for?" "For you headache, dear." "But I don't have a headache." "Good." |
A candidate came home one night and gave his wife the glorious news. "Darling, I've been elected!" "Honestly.?" she replied exuberantly. "Hey," he said, "why bring that up?" |
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"Here's what you need to do:" "Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "You're going to die". |
"Yes, darling?" "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?" "Oh, all right, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than ONE!" |
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a mistress. Architect: "I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship." Artist: "I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery we share." Programmer: "I prefer to have both." "Both?" Programmer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done." |
The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family." The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try them on. "No way. I can't get into your pants." "That's right. And that's the way it will be until you change your attitude." |
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Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs |
Husbands
& Wives/the Hilarious Ups and Downs of Married Life!
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by Jim McMullan, Helene Slack McMullan
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For
Better and for Worse : The Best Quotes About Marriage
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by Adrian Berry (Editor)
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