You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
 "It's obviously not going to work, Jeanette.
You're still Windows 95 and I'm fervently NT."
30 Ways to Scare People In the Computer Room

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1.Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 2. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the stupid thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.  4. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 
5. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.  6. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 
7. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.  8. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 
9. Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $5. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."  10. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 
11. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.  12. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 
13. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.  14. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 
15. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.  16. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
17. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.  18. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it.  Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. 
19. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.  Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.  20. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 
21. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.  22. Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the screen.  Complain that the lead doesn't work. 
23. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly.Type a sentence, then laugh happily, 
exclaim "You''re such a marvel!!", and kis the screen. Repeat this after every sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 
24. See who's online.  Send a total stranger a talk request.  Talk to them like you've known them all your lives.  Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 
25. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.  26. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 
27. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.  28. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.  Type up your paper like this.  Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working 
29. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.  After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.  30. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding.  Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 

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Tales from the Tech Line : Hilarious Strange-But-True Stories from the Computer Industry's Technical-Support Hotlines
by David Pogue (Editor) 
Click here to find out more Screamingly funny--and scarily true PC hotline tales 
It's not immodest for me to claim that these stories are so funny, you'll splurt your Sprite...I just EDITED this one! From the lady who thought her mouse was a foot pedal, to the Army general who thought the OFF switch stood for Officers - they're all here. Don't read this one in church! 


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101 Wacky Computer Jokes
by Genevieve Stamper, John Devor (Illustrator), Judith Bauer Stamper 
Click here to find out more A clever collection of silly jokes that computer enthusiasts of all ages willlove to share, such as "Where do computers go when they're sad? Cryberspace". B&W line drawings throughout. 

Cyber Jokes : The Funniest Stuff on the Internet
by Doug Mayer (Editor) 
lick here to find out more A collection of the funniest and most fanciful offerings on the information superhighway, culled from the nooks and crannies of the Internet, is designed for computer junkies and for anyone who loves to laugh. Original. 

The Internet Joke Book
by Brad Templeton (Editor) 
The best jokes from the net's most popular online forum 
The Internet Jokebook contains the best 10% of the jokes from the first 5 years of rec.humor.funny,
which is the most widely read discussion forum on the net. It's an edited forum, devoted to jokes. 

Your Joke Is in the E-Mail : Cyberlaffs from Mousepotatoes
by Alice Kahn (Editor), John Boe (Editor) 
Click here to find out more A Laugh a minute from Cyber-Jokes 
This collection of jokes all actually sent over e-mail at one time or another is a truly hilarious compendium of humor -- the musician jokes are side-splittingly funny. This book is a great gift for all your cyber-pals! 



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