How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?What does Kodak and a condom have in common?How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

Oh, I've been doing that for some time, to be honest with you fellows the lock on my door doesn't work.

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OUESTION: What is cosmetics?
ANSWER: Cosmetics is a  woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
QUESTION:When does a hill become a mountain?
ANSWER: When it fills out an application for employment.
QUESTION: Why do cows wear bells?
ANSWER: Because their horns don't work.
QUESTION: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
ANSWER: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
QUESTION: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
ANSWER: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
QUESTION: What's the difference between a Savings Bond and the typical male?
ANSWER: At some point, the Savings Bond will mature !
QUESTION: What is marriage?
ANSWER: It is something what actually comes up in your garden.
QUESTION: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
ANSWER: You can't unscrew a pregnant lady!
QUESTION:What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
ANSWER: Brothel sprouts.
QUESTION: What did the bra say to the hat?
ANSWER: You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift.
QUESTION: What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?
ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.
QUESTION: How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Who knows they never get the house.
QUESTION: How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Four... 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
QUESTION: Why are men like trains?
ANSWER: They always stop before you get off.
QUESTION: What is honeymoon?
ANSWER: That brief span of time between, "I do" and "You'd better!"
QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six days?
ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.
QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon?
ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
QUESTION: Why does it take 500 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
ANSWER: Because they won't stop to ask directions.
QUESTION: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
ANSWER: Men always miss them.
QUESTION: What do you call a truck-load of vibrators?
ANSWER: Toys for twats.
QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men?
ANSWER: They come in five flavors.
QUESTION: Why is the space between a women's tits and hips called a waist?
ANSWER: Because you could put another pair of tits there.
QUESTION: What is the definition of nothing?
ANSWER: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures....... his nose.
QUESTION: What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
ANSWER: You use both to catch those special moments!!!
QUESTION: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
ANSWER: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
QUESTION: What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?
ANSWER: When the power goes off.
QUESTION: Why is sex like winning at bridge?
ANSWER: You either need a good partner or a good hand.
QUESTION: Why is sex with someone new like a snow storm?
ANSWER: Because you never know when it will come, how deep it will be or how long it will last.
QUESTION: What do men and tile floors have in common?
ANSWER: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.
QUESTION: Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?
ANSWER: Because men can see better than the they can think.
QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful figure?
ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.
QUESTION: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
ANSWER: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them.
QUESTION: What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
ANSWER: One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch
QUESTION: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
ANSWER: His hand caught fire.
QUESTION: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a very thin woman?
ANSWER: The counterfeit bill is a phoney buck.
QUESTION:What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
ANSWER: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every
night when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.

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When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time to Go Home
by Erma Bombeck 
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Just As We Were : A Narrow Slice of Texas Womanhood (Southwestern Writers Collection Series)
by Prudence MacKintosh 
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