| Harvey Walken, former part-owner of the Pittsburgh
Pirates, on the Chicago Cubs' failure to win a World Series since 1908:
"I guess any team can have a bad century." |
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| Harvey Walken, former part-owner of the Pittsburgh
Pirates, on the Chicago Cubs' failure to win a World Series since 1908:
"I guess any team can have a bad century." |
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| Good Grief!
In a Scottish cemetery, the story goes, the following epitaph appears: "Here lies Hamish McTavish, whose deeply sorrowing widow continues to carry on his flourishing greengrocery business at 11 High Street- open daily until 8:00." |
Corrections
In a church bulletin listing corrections from the Council of Catholic Women's cookbook, Come to the Table: "Mom's Meatballs -1 litrre wine should be I litre water. (Sorry folks!)" |
| Robert MacNell:
From my mother came the idea that going down to the sea repaired the spirit. That is where she walked when shewas sad or worried or lonely for my father. If she had been crying, she came back composed; if she had left angry with us, she returned in good humour. So we naturally believed that there was a cleansing effect to be had; that letting the fresh wind blow through your mind and spirits as well as your hair and clothing purged black thoughts; that contemplating the ceaseless motion of the waves calmed a raging spirit. - Wordstruck {Viking) |
David Maloof:
Living together has gained a certain legitimacy in the last decade or two.Fewer eyebrows are raised at the news, and those raised don't go up as high. Possibly it seems more romantic to believe in the bond of the heart, not the law, that marriageless cohabitation suggests. But the most romantic act of all is to know the perils of marriage and then to get married anyway. Marriage, through no guarantee of permanence, at least suggests that you both really mean it. When you merely live together, you've got one foot out the door, and that foot is often not pointed towards the chapel. Living together promises nothing and it delivers. - Redbook |
| EDVARD ALBEE was asked how long it takes him to write a play. "It takes an entire life to write a play," said Albee, "but three months to get it down on paper." | Carol Tavris:
'
For some of the large indignities of life, the best remedy is direct action. For the small indignities, the best remedy is a Charlie Chaplin movie. The hard part is knowing the difference. |
| Notice
Outside of busy supermarket, a young clerk who was loading groceries into customers' cars, spotting some people at the nearby telephone booth, shouted in a strong Russian accent, "Not good Not good' indicating that the phone was out of order. Impressed with his desire to be helpful, one lady suggested that he post a notice on the booth saying something like: "Not working." Within minutes he returned ,with a cardboard sign that he taped to the phone. It read: "No 'Job." |
Shelby Steele on race relations:
We have all grown up on the same sitcorns, eaten the same fast food and laughed at the same jokes. We have lived under the same political system, read the same books and worked in the same marketplace. We have the same dreams and aspirations, as well as fears and doubts for ourselves and for our children. How, then, can our differences be so overwhelming? |
| Some Nerve!
While on a car trip, one man found himself behind a driver who, although he had his right-hand signal on and was able to turn, was busy talking on his car phone. A man blew his torn and motioned him to proceed. Poking his head out the window, he said, "Can't you see I'm on the telephone?" |
Hiccups
ONE night a man developed a protracted case of the hiccups. He tried every remedy with no success. With each hiccup, a bed shook, and he repeatedly woke up his wife. After several "Have you tried?" suggestions, his wife finally said, "Have you tried sleeping in the guest room?" |
| Undercover Repair
When woman opened the lid of the washing machine to remove the clothes, she saw that the tub was still full of soapy water. She called the repairman to come over. After he had worked on the machine for an hour, he discovered the obstruction between the drum and the hner. Repairman cleaned up, made out the bill and handed it to her. It read: "Removed lady's bra." |
Celebrations
The Canadian Navy was participating in celebrations for the Belgian Navy's 50th anniversary. HMCS Montreal was lading the fleet in a salute to the King of Belgium. The executive officer explained the procedure for a "cheers ship": The crew would hold their hats in front of them and circle them clockwise. Noticing some confusion, he added: "For those of you who grew up with digital watches, please ask one of the old guys which direction clockwise is." |
Nothing has done more for home cooking than the taste of a vending-machine sandwich.
| RICHARD DIMBLEBY
was a gifted BBC broadcaster, writer and reporter who did more homework
than any of his contemporaries before an interview. Once, he was on the
air at the Royal Needlework School in London, where the Queen Mother was
to make an appearance. Dimbleby described the items on display, talked
about the school's history, and then it came, time for the royal appearance.
But the Queen Mother didn't appear, so Dimbleby went around again, talking about needlework in China, Japan, Persia and Europe, describing different stitches as though he had spent his entire life With a needle in his hand. The Queen Mother appeared, 25 minutes late. She explained that she'd been watching Dimbleby on television and had become so engrossed in what he was saying that she had forgotten the time. - John Chancellor & Walter Mears, The New News Business (HarperCollins) |
The only ditfference between a yard sale and a trash
pick-up,
is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Create your own Custom CD from more than 175,000 songs |
| Time Travelleg
When she promised to host a neighbour's 90th birthday party, she never imagined she'd need two heads and the arms of an octopus to handle all the details for an event that rapidly escalated from a neighbourhood get - together to what seemed like a city-wide celebration. "I'll be lucky to get through that day," she moaned to the celebrant just two days before the big event. "At my age," old lady shot back, "I don't worry about getting through that day, I worry about getting to that day!" |
Once Upon a Mattress
A friend of mine awoke one morning to find a puddle of water in the middle of his king-size water bed. In order to fix the puncture, he rolled the heavy mattress outdoors and filled it with more water so he could locate the leakmore easily. The enormous bag of water began rolling on the hilly terrain. He tried to hold it back, but it headed downhill and landed in a clump of bushes, which poked it full of holes. Disgusted, my friend threw out the water-bed frame and moved a standard bed into his room.The next morning he awoke to find a puddle of water in the middle of the new bed. The upstairs bathroom had a leaky drain . |
| Soup of the day
I checked the chalkboard on which the owner of the dell wrote her soup of the day. At the counter I told her that I didn't think she'd sell much of it that day. Puzzled, she turned to the board, and saw that she had written "Spit Pea Soup." |
Special aid
Canadian Forces unit, while deplayed in Bosnia with NATO, received a call to aid a vehicle that had run out' of gas. When the men arrived on the scene, they couldn't help laughing. It was a fuel truck with 2,200 litres of fuel on board. |
| IDIOM'S DELIGHT
One evening American family dined out with our Swiss cousins, who were visiting the United Sates. When the waitress came to tie their order, one cousin cheerfully requested salad, "with the Thousand Aliens dressing, please." |
Paper Tiger
They subscribe to two daily newspapers. Once, they went away for a two-week vacation and forgot to stop delivery. On their return, a neighbour told them he had taken care of the problem. "Thanks, neighbour" they said. "Did you cancel them?" "I'm no fool," he replied. "I cancelled mine." |
| Looking for Canalss?
When they realized they could use a few groceries, a couple stopped at the local corner store. Man noticed the owners had renovated since they had last been in, and he couldn't find the drink cooler. He came upon the owners, sitting on a sofa. "Where's the drink cooler?" Larry asked. "Looks like you've moved everything around in here." "You could say that," replied the owner. "We moved everything out and closed the store last month. You're standing in our living room." |
Good Grief,!
Once, a co-worker was preparing for a service but noticed that the florist had failed to place a ribbon with the words "Beloved Brother" on the casket spray. An employee rushed to the flower shop, had the ribbon prepared and hastily added it to the arrangement just as the family and minister arrived. Later, the sister of the deceased bent to pay her last respects and noticed the ribbon she had requested. To our horror it read "Beloved Bother." |
| Deodorant Story
Her younger sister rushed into her room one morning and asked if she had seen her deodorant. "I need it before math class," her sister announced. "Since when do you need deodorant before math ?" she asked. "Since we started geometry," her younger sister replied. |
Relatively Confused
Her daughter, had just moved from Edmonton, where she had been living for several years, to Vancouver. She was staying with them till she moved into her own apartment. When she was on the phone with her sister in Edmonton when her daughter popped her head out of her room and said, "Tell her I miss the mall."I repeated "Tina says she misses the mall..-" Tina quickly opened her door again, an amused look on her face, and said, "N-o-o-o... them all!" |
| Adhering to the Stereotype
His wife and children had gone for a few days while he was renovating their living room. After a hard day's work, his brother-in-law, who was helping him, and he scrounged up a few leftovers and migrated to the television to watch a James Bond movie. They were relaxing in front of the TV while eating our supper when his brother-in-law turned to him and said, "I guess this is what they mean by male bonding." |
Site to Behold
The kids and she left home early in order to arrive at the campsite before the crowd. Because her husband, had to work that day, he had arranged for them to meet his best friend and his wife at the park, and he'd meet them later. When her husband arrived at the gate, he stopped at the booth and said to the attendant: "My wife's camping here with my best friend. Do you know which site they're in?" |
| About Viruses
As a computer-science teacher, he is constandy lobbying for funding to buy hardware and software for his school. At one meeting with the technology-pur-chases committee, he requested money for a virus-protection pro-gram. "If you're so worried about viruses," one committee member replied, "why don't you just spray the computers with disinfectant?" |
How to double everything?
Teacher handed one student chef at the senior secondary-school cafeteria her assignment, a cake recipe, to prepare for the noon meal and told her to double everything. Some time later he saw her standing by the oven looking rather puzzled. He asked if he could help. "I doubled everything," she replied, "but I can't figure out how to get the 700*." |
| Clean Sweep
I was still gathering clothes for a wash when our friends arrived for a visit. I quickly loaded the machine, then joined everybody. At the end of the evening as he was getting ready to leave, one of our friends noticed that the jacket he had earlier hung over the railing was no longer there. Not only had I washed and dried it, I had shrunk it as well. |
Saying It With Flowers
When local flower shop gets too many phone calls for the regular staff to handle, one of their most capable flower designers steps in to take orders. Since her first language is not English, our manager sometimes double-checks her work. One morning, the manager called a customer to verify the message our designer had taken. When she finally stopped laughing, the client said, "No! No! I want the message to read 'Love you heaps,' not 'Love your hips'!" |
| Rain Check
Her vacation at the home of some friends was marred by a nasty attack of flu. As she recovered, they kidded her about the date of her funeral, her preference for floral tributes and so on. Once home, she phoned the florist to send a thank-you gift to her hosts. Her voice still suffering from the effects of nasal congestion, she dictated the message to accompany the flowers: "The wake is off. I'll take a rain check on the black pansies." When the florist's delivered her gift, he surprised her hostess with a wide smile and knowing wink. The reason for his behaviour became clear when she read the mangled message: "The date is off. I'll take a rain check on the black panties." |
Funny? It's a Scream!
We were reminiscing and were again recounting one of our favourite stories. It took place at Disney World when our children were quite young. After waiting some time, it was finally our turn to ride up into Space Mountain. I sat with two of the children in the front, and my husband, took charge of the third, who was apprehensive. It wasn't long before I heard plaintive cries of "I want to get out of here!" And for the duration of the ride, my husband struggled to keep our son in the seat. We chuckled every time this tale was told. However, this time our now 21-year-old finally told us the reason he had been afraid: The cars were full of people when they went inside the mountain, he heard screaming, and when the ride ended, all the cars came out empty! |
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by Jack Canfield (Editor), Irene Dunlap, Muhammad Ali
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by Rosemarie Lennon
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by Allen Klein
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by Bob Phillips
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