ELVIS VIRUS: Your PC gets fat, slowand lazy, then selfdestructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.  This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB

VIRUS ALERT  Suggest you immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

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ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.  DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.  PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It 
warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:> 
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.  DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your computer, ewe just can't figyour out watt LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self - defense."  PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. 
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be back. 
gets fat, slowand lazy, then selfdestructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.  POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism" 
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.  FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.  MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.  RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. 
ATTORNEY VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with money and 
think it's an attorney. This 
virus won't harm your PC, but it will harm your customers.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.  This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.  ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. 
BACKSPACE VIRUS: Your PC erase character behind computer. It makes 
a lot of women mad just thinking about it.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)  NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.  SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. 
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attachs it. (But that part will never work again.)  GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No new 
files!" on the screen. 
It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congrssional Virus. 
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.  STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. 
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.  GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.  TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. 
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and 
sends you a bill for $4,500. 
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.  TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. 
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for 
the problem. 
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all 
on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.  TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. 
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to 
accomplish anything.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again O. J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but 
you  just can't prove it. 
XY PRESIDENTIAL VIRUS: All files disappear, only to reappear very 
mysteriously a year later, in another dress directory. 
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Laughing in the Dark : A Decade of Subversive Comedy
by Laurie Stone
Click here to order In this entertaining survey of the last ten years in comedy, Stone covers the new generation of daring and thoughtful comedians and performers - innovators with fresh outlooks and unmuzzled voices. Stone lends critical attention to stand-up, honoring the craft and guts required for the solo stroll. Here is the entire comic circus under one tent: iconoclasts and political provocateurs, soloists and troupes, and TV top dogs. Richard Pryor, Whoopi Goldberg, Eric Bogosian, Holly Hughes, Spalding Gray, Rosie O'Donnell, Tracey Ullman, Richard Lewis, Penn & Teller, Leno and Letterman are included - but so are the brightest, lesser-known artists. 
A-Z Sparkling Illustrations : Stories, Anecdotes, and Humor for Speakers - by Stephen Gaukroger, Nick Mercer 
Click here to find out more Bringing the perspective of a British tradition to an American audience, these authors offer pastors, speakers, and teachers an engaging collection of stories and illustrations, presented under a variety of useful categories. 

Create your own Custom CD from  more than 175,000 songs
Comedy Comes Clean 2 : Another Hilarious Collection of Wholesome Jokes, Quotes and One-Liners
by Adam Christing (Compiler) 
Click here to find out more In this hilarious follow-up to Comedy Comes Clean, Adam Christing provides an antidote to the
raw, raunchy, and just plain rude comedy that's no laughing matter to millions of Americans. The
time is right for humor that gets big laughs without resorting to gender bashing, racist quips,
obscenity, or any of the other hallmarks of contemporary comedy. 
21st Century Dictionary of Quotations
by Princeton Language Institute (Editor), Barbara Ann Kipfer (Editor) 
Click here to find out more At last, an easy to use, comprehensive dictionary of quotations that contains entries from the Bible, Shakespeare, and rock'n'roll. Inside you'll find exciting new quotations from contemporary figures including Gloria Steinem and Adrienne Rich on feminism, Faye Wattleton and Dr. Ruth Westheimer on sex, Cher on intimacy, David Henry Hwang and Steven Biko on race, George Burns on old age, Vince Lombardi on victory, and Madonna on egotism. Recent subjects such as ecology and computers make this an extraordinary useful reference for public speakers as well as for the creation of your own written works. Created by leading experts in linguistics and lexicography. Brief biographies of every individual quoted. 
Phillips' Book of Great Thoughts Funny Sayings : A Stupendous Collection of Quotes, Quips, Epigrams, Witticisms, and Humorous Comments. for Personal
by Bob Phillips 
Click here to find out more A stupendous collection of quotes, quips, epigrams, witticisms, and humorous comments. For
personal enjoyment and ready reference. 

If I'm So Famous, How Come Nobody's Ever Heard of Me?
by Jewel Shepard, Chris Couch (Editor), Dave Stevens (Illustrator)
Ever wanted to Run Off to Hollywood to be a Movie Star?? 
Then you really need to read Jewel Shepard's new book! Jewel Shepard is one of Hollywood's "B-Girls." For those of you who don't know what a B-Girl is, these are the women whose job it is to get partially or fully unclothed as soon after the start of the film as possible. These are also the women whose dream it is to rise to the "A" level in the film industry. This is the level where you'll find actresses such as Julia Roberts, Michele Pfeiffer, etc., etc. Jewel's book details her ongoing fight to find a decent agent, to get a decent part, in a decent film working with a decent director...without having to get naked for someone to do it. Throughout it all, you don't know whether to laugh or cry at the trials she is forced to endure.



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