VIRUS ALERT Suggest you immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
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VIRUS ALERT Suggest you immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
| ATTENTION
USERS !
SOME OF THESE HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO JUMP OUT OF THE MACHINES
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OUR COMPANY TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY VIRUSES THAT ATTACK THE READERS OF THIS LIST. |
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| ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. | DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. | KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. | PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It
warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:> |
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| AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. | DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your computer, ewe just can't figyour out watt | LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self - defense." | PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. |
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| ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. |
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MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. | POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism" |
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| AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. | FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. | MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. | RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives. |
| ATTORNEY VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with money and
think it's an attorney. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will harm your customers. |
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. | MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. | ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. |
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| BACKSPACE VIRUS: Your PC erase character behind computer. It makes
a lot of women mad just thinking about it. |
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) | NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. | SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. |
| BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attachs it. (But that part will never work again.) | GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No
new
files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congrssional Virus. |
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. | STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. |
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| CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. | GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. | OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. | TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. |
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| CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. | HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and
sends you a bill for $4,500. |
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. | TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. |
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| CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem. |
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all
on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. |
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. | TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. |
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| CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously,
but doesn't allow the user to
accomplish anything. |
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again | O. J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system,
but
you just can't prove it. |
XY PRESIDENTIAL VIRUS: All files disappear, only to reappear very
mysteriously a year later, in another dress directory. |
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