A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell.  So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked.  "Now." said the boy, "run like hell!"
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?

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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?  CHILDREN certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?  Son to his father as they watch television: "Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel." 
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..." 
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished. 

It's hard to say when one generation ends and the next begin - but 
it's somewhere  around nine or ten at night !
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" 
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." 
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question? 
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?" 

pikobello  romwell

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.  A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. 
So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked. 
"Now." said the boy, "run like hell!"
One reason why teenagers prefer sleeping on the top bunk: They can look down at the floor and get an aerial view of their wardrobe. 

Sign for diaper service: "Bum Wraps."

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A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: 
He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them. 
A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: 
"You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms." 
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God which ran as follows: 
Dear God: 
     Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Ottawa. As usual they deducted $95.00. 
THE teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation. 
Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie." 
Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter." 
Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician.'' But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else. She then turned to Johnny. 
"My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonnaspell electrician." 

 A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, 
but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard. 
"I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home. 
"I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us." 
"Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," the five year old interrupted. "I was talking about the COAST God." 

Father: " I know the answer to your bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television." 
Son: " I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a question." 
Two little boys were playing together when a cute, curly-haired girl walked by. 

"You know something? When I stop hating girls, I think I'll stop hating that one first!" 

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin!  That is an inappropriate question and 
my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!"  She sat down, red-faced. 
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?"  asked Mr. Baldwin 
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,"  said Susan. 
"Correct.  Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson.  Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!" 
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !! 
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game 
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... 
"Lets see your fishing license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped... 
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. 
" Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !!  You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license !!" 
" Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"... 
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live.  A high school student asked his teacher if a person should be punish for something he hadn't done. "No," said the teacher. "Of course not," 
"Good." said the boy. "I haven't done my homework. 

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In the Tower of London Museum, where the exhibits, are in chronological order, visitors heard the following announcement over the public-address system. "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but we have a little American boy - lost in the 18 th century." 

Son:     Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? 
Father: Sure son, what's the question? 
Son:     What is politics? 
Father: Well, let's take our home for example, I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll cal her overnment. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand? 
Son:      I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it. 
 That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went  to see what was wrong.  Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed. 
The next morning: 
Son:     Dad, now I think I understand politics. 
Father: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words. 
Son:     Well, dad while management is screwing the working class the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit. 

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Using His Head
While riding his bike to the video store, a ten-year-old boy, recalled how the clerk had on a previous occasion insisted on seeing some identification before she'd rent him a video under his family membership. Rather than bike all the way home, he stopped at a friend's house and asked to borrow a pen. At the video store, when' the clerk again asked for'some ID, boy whipped off his baseball 'cap and showed her his name neatly printed on the inside. Clerk rented him the video. 
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: 
"It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision:" 

Amelia Bedelia (I Can Read)
by Peggy Parish, Fritz Siebel (Illustrator) 
Click here to find out more Amelia Bedelia is a housekeeper who takes her instructions quite literally. Reading the list of chores that her employer has left her, Amelia begins with "Dust the furniture." How odd, Amelia thinks to herself. "At my house we undust the furniture."Nonetheless, she dutifully locates the "Dusting Powder" in the bathroom, and proceeds to sprinkle it all over the living-room furniture and floor. 
Next she is asked to "Draw the drapes when the sun comes in." So of course, Amelia sits down with a sketchpad and gives it her best shot. Children love reading about the antics of silly Amelia Bedelia for myriad reasons. It's an early reader book, so children in primary grades can take satisfaction in reading the book on their own.

Amelia Bedelia and the Surprise Shower (An I Can Read Book)
by Peggy Parish, Barbara Siebel Thomas (Illustrator), Fritz Siebel (Illustrator) 
Click here to find out more America's favorite housekeeper is back in bright full-color illustrations! Amelia Bedelia is up to her antics again as she tries to help plan a surprise bridal shower for Miss Alma. Amelia Bedelia ends up surprising all the guests, including poor Miss Alma, with a shower that turns out to be all wet. 

Amelia Bedelia Goes Camping (An Avon Camelot Book)
by Peggy Parish, Lynn Sweat (Illustrator) 
Click here to find out more The Rogers family decides to take their literal-minded maid camping for the first time, and so begins the hilarity. Leave it to Amelia to find a new way to pitch tents, spread out sleeping bags and just plain annoy Mr. Rogers. 

Amelia Bedelia and the Baby
by Peggy Parish, Lynn Sweat (Illustrator)
Click here to find out more America's favorite literal-minded maid takes up babysitting in a wonderful, reformatted edition of this funny book. Plenty of wacky complications arise for Amelia Bedelia as she watches over her young charge. Color illustrations. 

Amelia Bedelia Helps Out (An Avon Camelot Book)
by Peggy Parish, Lynn Sweat (Illustrator) 
Click here to find out more America's favorite literal-minded housekeeper, Amelia Bedelia, and her niece, Effie Lou, become embroiled in a series of zany mishaps with hilarious results, including weeding the garden and dusting for bugs.

Amelia Bedelia's Family Album
by Peggy Parish, Lynn Sweat (Illustrator) 
Click here to find out more If you think Amelia Bedelia is funny, wait until you meet her relatives. Be prepared to laugh yourself silly with America's wackiest maid and the funniest bunch of people you've ever met! 





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