A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance
problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud physician.
"They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!
You take some pills and your problems are history. "So, the doctor gives
the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you!
This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does
your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet." |
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems
with her sex life.The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not
seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do
you ever watch your husband's face while you are making love?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well, that's very interesting; we must look into this,
further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face
once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Why was it that you
saw his face at this time?"
"He was looking at us through the window." |
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| My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that
he told her she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how he found out. |
As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept
saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." |
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A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after
this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his
wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her
to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have
the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well",
he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write
'sauerkraut' on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his
office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today",
she explained."I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later
that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said: "SAUERKRAUT,
SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO
WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!" |
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded.
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable." |
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A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last
tests has left his system upset. Upon
making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was
another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed
beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he
jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention
of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"
And the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!" |
There was a gynecologist who was just SICk of his job. He wanted to
do something else so he decided to go to school to be a mechanic. Well,
after six weeks, the final exam rolled around. When the instructor handed
him his test, he noticed that he has received a 200% as a grade. Curious
as to how this was possible, he hung back after class to talk to the instructor.
"Sir, I noticed that I got a 200% on my test. How?"
"Well, I gave you 50% for dismantling the engine completely and properly,
I gave you an additional 50% for reconstructing the engine completely and
properly, and I gave you the final 100% for doing it all through the tailpipe." |
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Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint
she replied that she suffered from a
discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining
table. She did so....
The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful,"
she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear." |
A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation.
The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before
she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're
the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!" |
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A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from
the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side. "So tell me
Doc, what is did you find out?".
The Doctor says, "Son we have some good news and some bad news." "Yea
, so???" replies the patient. "Well the good news is that we were able
to save your private parts." "Yes that is good news Doc, but what about
the bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow ..." |
An elderly gentlemen went to the doctor for a physical. After examining
the man, the doctor said "I think you are all right, but just the same
before you leave I would like a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen
sample."
The man, who was a little hard of hearing, turned to his wife and said
"What did the doctor say?"
His wife quickly replied "He wants your shorts!!!!!" |
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The woman was waiting for a diagnosis of her husband's illness.
The doctor approached her with a dour expression and said, " I don't
like the look of him."
The man's wife said, " I don't either, but he's good to the children." |
Man to waiter in trendy restaurant:
"I' ll have the oysters on the half shell for my cardiovascular
system, the cabernet sauvignon for my cholesterol and the french fries
for my inner child. |
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When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would
be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body,
he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go,
they should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all
the food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should
be boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed
so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days...
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and
the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the
asshole boss.
This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...Just an
Asshole. |
Joe was suffering from excruciating headaches. The doctor told him
he could cure the headaches, but it would require castration.
" You have a rare condition that causes pressure to build up against
your spine," the doctor explained." This, in turn, causes headaches. The
only cure is surgery." Joe was shocked but had the operation.
When he left the hospital, Joe was depressed, so "he stopped at a men's
shop for a new suit. The salesman eyed him and said, "44 long?" "That's
right."Joe said. He tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
"How about a new shirt?" the salesman suggested." Let's see, a 34 sleeve
and 16 neck ought to do it."
"Right again," Joe said. "You're simply amazing."
"While we're at it, how about some new underwear?" the salesman asked.
"Size 36 right?" the salesman asked."Nope, you finally missed one." Joe
said, chuckling. " I wear size 34."
"You couldn't possibly," replied salesman. "Underwear that tight would
create a great deal of pressure against your spine and cause one heck of
a headache." |
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You
aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion." |
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.This is
her first pregnancy.The doctor asks her if she has any questions.She replies,"Well,
I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know,
but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip
and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..."
"Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!" |
