Things you don't want to hear during surgery: "Everyone stand back, I think I lost a contact."Someone call the janitor, we're going to need a mop and a bucket!" "Sterile, schmerile; at least the operating-room floor is clean." "Hey, that's cool! Now , can you make his leg twitch?" "Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?"
The young Southern 
belle came to the hospital for a check-up. 

"Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the

"Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical
term so I can tell my wife."
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
* "Everyone stand back, I think I lost a contact."
* "Someone call the janitor, we're going to need a mop and a bucket!"
* "Sterile, schmerile; at least the operating-room floor is clean."
* "Hey, that's cool! Now , can you make his leg twitch?"
* "Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?"

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The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." 
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. 
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
A psihologist was giving a lecture at men's club. 
"How many of you make love to your wives every night?"- he asked. A few raised their hands.
" Twice a week?" More hands.
" Once a month?" Still more.
" Only once a year?" 
A man in the back row jumped up and eagerly shouted, "Me!"
" So why are you so cheerful?" the therapist asked.
" Because tonight's the night!"
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. 
"Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this
week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" 
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" 
"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
A guy  walks into his doctor's office.  He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And, while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,  I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

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* You can read his handwriting.
* His malpractice lawyer names him "Client of the Year."
* He asks you to turn your head and cought during an eye exam.
* During surgery he keeps repeating "The thighbone's connected to the knee bone."
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.  Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history. "So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you!  This drug is a miracle!  It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man.  "I haven't been home yet."
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are making love?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,  "Well, that's very interesting; we must look into this, further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Why was it that you  saw his face at this time?"
"He was looking at us through the window."
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how he found out. As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and  asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.  Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained."I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.  Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT;  TWO 
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon
making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" And the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
There was a gynecologist who was just SICk of his job. He wanted to do something else so he decided to go to school to be a mechanic. Well, after six weeks, the final exam rolled around. When the instructor handed him his test, he noticed that he has received a 200% as a grade. Curious as to how this was possible, he hung back after class to talk to the instructor.
"Sir, I noticed that I got a 200% on my test. How?"
"Well, I gave you 50% for dismantling the engine completely and properly, I gave you an additional 50% for reconstructing the engine completely and properly, and I gave you the final 100% for doing it all through the tailpipe."
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a
discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so....
The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear."
A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!"
A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side. "So tell me Doc, what is did you find out?".
The Doctor says, "Son we have some good news and some bad news." "Yea , so???" replies the patient. "Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts." "Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow ..."
An elderly gentlemen went to the doctor for a physical. After examining the man, the doctor said "I think you are all right, but just the same before you leave I would like a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen
The man, who was a little hard of hearing, turned to his wife and said "What did the doctor say?"
His wife quickly replied "He wants your shorts!!!!!"
The woman was waiting for a diagnosis of her husband's illness. 
The doctor approached her with a dour expression and said, " I don't like the look of him."
The man's wife said, " I don't either, but he's good to the children."
Man to waiter in trendy restaurant: 
"I' ll have the oysters on the half shell for my cardiovascular system, the cabernet sauvignon for my cholesterol and the french fries for my inner child.
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days...
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...Just an Asshole.
Joe was suffering from excruciating headaches. The doctor told him he could cure the headaches, but it would require castration.
" You have a rare condition that causes pressure to build up against your spine," the doctor explained." This, in turn, causes headaches. The only cure is surgery." Joe was shocked but had the operation.
When he left the hospital, Joe was depressed, so "he stopped at a men's shop for a new suit. The salesman eyed him and said, "44 long?" "That's right."Joe said. He tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
"How about a new shirt?" the salesman suggested." Let's see, a 34 sleeve and 16 neck ought to do it."
"Right again," Joe said. "You're simply amazing."
"While we're at it, how about some new underwear?" the salesman asked. "Size 36 right?" the salesman asked."Nope, you finally missed one." Joe said, chuckling. " I wear size 34."
"You couldn't possibly," replied salesman. "Underwear that tight would create a great deal of pressure against your spine and cause one heck of a headache."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.This is her first pregnancy.The doctor asks her if she has any questions.She replies,"Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."  "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.  "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."  "Like this?"  "A little more..."  "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?"  "A little bit."  "Now stretch it over your head!"

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Physician Humor Thyself : An Analysis of Doctor Jokes
by Che Prasad 
Click here to find out more A must read for anyone who loves humor and sick jokes! 
Medical humor is tasteless and SO FUNNY! This analysis (which is a scary word. It really is an easy read) touches on the immense insecurites of even the most educated physicians and why they (and even mortal humans) "need" to make fun of others. I'd suggest this to anyone. The book is a fun, educated read. This goes way beyond fart jokes and delves into the reasons why those personal bodily function jokes are so darn funny. The Gynecology and Proctology chapters alone are worth the price of the book! 

Are You a Real Doctor? : More Humorous Second Opinions for Everyday Life - by Mark Depaolis 
Click here to order America's funniest doctor returns with a sequel to his popular first book, Trust Me, I'm a Doctor.
This new collection of humorous essays tackles a wide range of popular medical issues in a style and language accessible to all readers. 

Get Well Sooner : Humorous Insights on Being Sick from America's Funniest Doctor
by Mark Depaolis
What's so funny about being sick? More than you might think according to the Humor Doctor Mark DePaolis, M.D. With this handy compendium of pithy jokes and witty observations Dr. DePaolis is sure to brighten anyone's day, whether they are sick in a hospital or convalescing at home. 

The Doctor Is In(Sane)
by Charles M. Schulz 
Click here to order Is there a doctor in the house! You bet. It's the world famous surgeon--none other that the irreverent beagle -- making his way to the operating room. 
This surgeon knows that a great doctor dispenses lots of sage advice along with "and drink lots of water." Enjoy Snoopy's canine perspective on this most esteemed profession. 

The New Yorker Book of Doctor Cartoons : And Psychiatrist
Click here to order In this wonderful miniature edition of witty and intelligent cartoons from the pages of The New Yorker, the medical profession is hilariously portrayed by some of the greatest cartoonists of our time, from Thurber and Addams to Shanahan and Chast. 



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