Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies." Salesman-certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! romwell, pikobello
Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods - (Japanese proverb)

One guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!" 

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The pope was on a trip to California. He got a very sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He begged the chauffeur to let him drive. 
Finally the chauffeur gave in and let the pope drive. 
Of course, the pope went crazy and was going too fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled over by a policeman. 
The cop called his station to ask them what to do because he just pulled over somebody very, very important. 
His sergeant asked who , our mayor, a movie star, or what?? 
The cop replied, " Well I'm not sure who, but he must be really important because the pope is his chauffeur!!" 

Two tomatoes were walking over the street, one in front of the other and the first one was tired of how slow the other one was. When they crossing the street, the second tomato was run over by a car, and the other one replied 
Two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks 
him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." 
The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!" 
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: 
"Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." 
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. 
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac." 
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" 
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. 
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. 
" I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." 
" What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. 
" We hadn't started eating yet." 
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive.  He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. 
 The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. 
The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" 
Willie and Ray, a couple of farmers, met at the town hardware store on Saturday. 
" Had some problems with my herd," lamented Willie. " My prize bull was impotent. But the vet came and gave him some special medicine, and now he seems to be fine." 
The next week, Ray met Willie at the store again. 
" My bull's had problems, too," said Ray. " What was that medicine the vet prescribed?" 
" I don't know," answered Willie. " But it tastes like chocolate." 
    USA : "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your children are?" 

    ITALY: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your husband is?" 

    FRANCE : "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your wife is?" 

    POLAND : "It's ten o'clock: do you know what time it is?" 

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    Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies." 
    Salesman-certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? 
    Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! 
    Salesman-certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr... 
    Newfie - I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? 
    Salesman - O.K. O.K. 
    The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom. 
    The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says "What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be!" 

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The Mac Bathroom Reader
by Owen W. Linzmayer 
Click here to find out more Amaze your friends with your in-depth knowledge of Macintosh's history. This book of trivia, anecdotes, quotes, and more includes a complete list of Apple's code names for all its products, published here for the first time.

The 5th Wave : Byte-Ing Humor from Rich Tennant
by Rich Tennant 
No longer behemoths tended behind closed doors by men in white coats, computers now reside in 20 million American households. And cartoonist Rich Tennant has been recording this proliferation for the past seven years through his cartoon series The 5th Wave. Now comes a collection of some of his most hilarious cartoons of people dealing with comic situations involving computers.

Honey, Hush! : An Anthology of African American Women's Humor
by Daryl Cumber Dance (Editor), Nikki Giovanni 
Click here to find out more This massive (nearly 700 pages) anthology offers a fascinating survey of black women's humor, compiled from folk sources, the blues, and poetry, fiction, anecdotal recollections, and routines by such comedians as the late Jackie "Moms" Mabley. The title, editor Daryl Cumber Dance informs, is a "playful entreaty" that black women use to encourage each other or to express disbelief in private conversations when swapping jokes and tall tales. Some of the material in Honey, Hush is a bit bawdy and off-color, and Dance, a professor of English at the University of Richmond in Virginia, warns that "humor is often unkind, unfair, and unjust." 

Create your own Custom CD from  more than 175,000 songs

Forever, Erma : Best-Loved Writing from America's Favorite Humorist
by Erma Bombeck 
Click here to find out more When Erma Bombeck died on April 22, 1996, she left behind something that few writers could hope to bequeath -- a written legacy of more than 4,500 columns and twelve bestselling books and a personal legacy that deeply touched millions of readers and fans throughout her 25-year career. Including more than 120 full-length columns, Forever, Erma is a very special collection that allows Erma's fans to revisit some of their favorite moments with this gentle presence who always reminded us not to take ourselves too seriously. 

Madam Wong's Guide to Men and Other Difficulties
by Eliza Bussey 
Click here to find out more In this remarkably funny and endearing book, Madam Wong, an 80-year-old immigrant from China, invites you to her kitchen while she cooks up 52 off-beat Asian/American tales on life and love. She creates her zany concoctions by adding "One part Brer Rabbit,two parts Confucius, with a Dash of Sigmund Freud." The topics range from: "Lock door to sexual tumbleweed, and Even Prisoner of Pain can ask for pardon", to "Beware of Dyslexic accountants, and "What to do about Romantic Tar babies". 



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