Two tomatoes were walking over the street, one in
front of the other and the first one was tired of how slow the other one
was. When they crossing the street, the second tomato was run over by a
car, and the other one replied
" COME ON, JUICE!" |
Two newfies are building a house. One of them is
putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another
nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another,
throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes
over and asks
him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones
were pointed on the wrong end."
The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other
side of the house!" |
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told
his wife the good news:
"Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving
for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac." |
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly
that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His
mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite
her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came
to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
" I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
" What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
" We hadn't started eating yet." |
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He
got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to
jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained
that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down
together. The newfie understood and was ready.
The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The
instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded
to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled
the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor
pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically
trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.
The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute,
"So you wanna race, eh?" |
Willie and Ray, a couple of farmers, met at the town
hardware store on Saturday.
" Had some problems with my herd," lamented Willie. " My prize bull
was impotent. But the vet came and gave him some special medicine, and
now he seems to be fine."
The next week, Ray met Willie at the store again.
" My bull's had problems, too," said Ray. " What was that medicine
the vet prescribed?"
" I don't know," answered Willie. " But it tastes like chocolate." |
